Blog by Rich
Most people don’t realize how much of their life is quietly governed by one question: “What will they think of me?”
That single concern shapes what we say, what we share, and what we hide. It influences how freely we show up—and how carefully we try to manage appearances.
If you’re like me, you’ve probably spent far too much of your life worrying:
- Did I say the wrong thing?
- Did I overshare?
- Do they think less of me now?
Beneath all of it sits a deeper fear: If they truly knew me, they would reject me.
This isn’t usually about ego or image management. It runs much deeper. It’s about belonging, safety, and being allowed to exist as we are.
At A New Man, we see this struggle show up again and again—especially among men who learned early in life that approval had to be earned.
At its core, worrying about what others think is not a character flaw. It’s a protective strategy.
So you learned to edit yourself.
You read the room.
You learned how to stay acceptable.
To be who or what other people expected you to be.
That strategy may have kept you connected at one point in your life—but it eventually became a cage.
Being Seen Is a Human Need
Remember this important truth: Being seen is not always the same thing as being judged.
So many of us have spent our lives assuming, “If they truly knew me and knew who I really am, they would reject me.”
“They” in this case could be anyone—a family member, friend, someone we don’t even really know very well. Strangers, even.
It’s a debilitating thought that keeps us hiding, stuck and hurting.
Healing begins when you learn through lived experience—and yes, risk—that visibility does not automatically equal danger, especially in the presence of mature, grounded men and women.
I’ve experienced this again and again in my life. And over time, it’s become immensely easier.
I remember, years ago, thinking, “I’ll do anything it takes to overcome my struggles—with one caveat: No one must ever find out.”
Of course, that debilitating fear of disclosure kept me struggling in isolation and distrust. I came to learn that my struggles and issues were relational, which meant they could only be healed in relationships.
Today, my story is searchable on the internet. One only needs to Google my name to learn what I once kept so deeply hidden.
Though I would not suggest this level of disclosure for most people, for me it has been quite freeing. I now assume that anyone I meet has potentially read about my story, and that’s okay. There is freedom in not hiding. There is freedom in not being ashamed.
The Shift That Changes Everything: Approval → Alignment
Here’s a question worth practicing: Instead of asking, “Do they approve of me?,” try asking,“Am I acting in alignment with my values right now?”
This is a quiet but radical shift.
When your actions are aligned with your integrity, your sense of worth becomes internal, not negotiated. You may still care what others think—but their opinions no longer determine who you are.
This is not about becoming insensitive or indifferent. It’s about becoming anchored.
The Hard (and Liberating) Truth
Most people are not thinking about you nearly as much as you imagine.
Way back in high school, I read a quote that was said in such humorous irony mixed with blistering truth that is has stayed with me ever since: “You wouldn’t worry what people thought of you if you realized how seldom they do.”
I found it hilarious, but humbling. In a good way. It was a blunt but friendly reminder to myself: Get over yourself. It’s not all about you. Move on.
The truth is, most people are too preoccupied with their own insecurities, their own wounds, and their own stories to worry too much about yours.
And when someone does judge you harshly, it inevitably reveals a great deal about their own inner world and virtually nothing about you.
Understanding this doesn’t make judgment disappear—but it reduces its authority.
Freedom Comes From Surviving Disapproval
In the 25 years since I started working in healing circles, I have received a great deal of affirmation and appreciation for my work from those who value it—and a great deal of hate and hostility from those who find it offensive.
Thankfully, almost no one who actually knows me has been hostile to me. The hostility has come almost entirely from strangers.
Years ago, I came up with my own personal, tongue-in-cheek mantra: “If no one hates you, how important are you really?”
It reminds me that even Jesus was hated. In fact, history is filled with people who were hated for speaking truth and doing good. I realized, not everyone has to like me in order for me to be okay.
I love a quote often attributed to the poet and playwright Oscar Wilde: “I don’t expect everyone to like me. I would think less of myself if certain people did.”
The quote makes me think, Why should someone else’s opinion of me matter more than my own? Since when did I decide to “outsource” my self-worth to someone else?
The bottom line: We don’t need to eliminate fear of disapproval. We just need to outgrow its control.
After all, freedom doesn’t come from being admired.
It comes from being anchored in who you are, even when others don’t understand.
You may still wonder what others think of you. But they no longer get to determine who you are.