Blog by Sholom—
There’s a quiet lie many of us carry without even realizing it:
If I’m healing, I should be getting better all the time.
Stronger. Clearer. More in control. Less reactive. Always moving forward.
But that’s not how real healing works.
For the men doing the work, showing up, and choosing growth, it’s important to understand this truth early and often:
Setbacks are not proof that healing isn’t working.
They’re often proof that it is.
The Myth of Linear Progress
We like neat little boxes where everything lines up. Straight lines. Point A to point B clarity. Effort in, results out.
But emotional work doesn’t follow that model.
It looks more like:
- Two steps forward, one step back
- Long stretches of quiet growth followed by sudden struggle
- Breakthroughs… followed by moments that feel like you’re right back where you started
That last one can hit the hardest.
You think: “I already dealt with this. Why is it back?” or “How am I so much wiser and still dealing with the same question!?”
But healing isn’t about deleting parts of your story. The pain doesn’t necessarily go away. We learn to hold it better. To meet our challenges differently each time they show up. Expecting something that’s been wired for years to disappear in a few hours, or even a few sessions, is a big ask.
When Old Patterns Reappear
Growth often works in cycles. Each time something resurfaces, you’re not starting over — you’re starting from a new place, with more awareness, more tools, and more strength than before.
Not all progress feels like progress.
Sometimes growth looks like:
- Pausing before reacting (even if you still react)
- Noticing what you’re feeling (even if you still end up numbing it later)
- Choosing honesty when it would be easier to shut down
- Coming back after a hard moment instead of disappearing
These are not small things.
They are foundational shifts.
And they often happen quietly, without the emotional “high” we expect from change.
Why Setbacks Matter
Setbacks do something important. They reveal what’s still sensitive. They show us where our work isn’t finished. That we are not finished products. They invite us to practice, not just understand. Without them, healing stays theoretical and with them it’s very real.
Staying the Course
For men committed to growth, the challenge isn’t avoiding setbacks. It’s interpreting them. Instead of seeing ourselves back at square one, try noticing how we’re approaching the same situation differently. Instead of thinking, I’ve done this before, try recognizing any new tools you might be showing up with.
Brotherhood Matters Here
This is why you don’t walk this road alone.
Because when we hit those moments — when it feels like nothing is changing — we need men around us who can remind:
- You’re not the only one going through it
- This is part of the process
- You’ve come further than you think
Often, others can see our growth more clearly than we can.
Healing is not a straight path. It’s a winding road with repetition, resistance, and return.
But every time you come back to the work you are moving forward, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
Stay the course. Recognize the small victories. That’s where real change happens.